Captivate Podcast: Beyond Care-zilla: Embracing Delegation in Caregiving | 004

Hello and welcome to episode four of the Sharegiving Secret. By now, you know that sharegiving Shouldn't be a secret, and if you're listening, I bet you have some ideas about how to be a sharegiver, or you need some ideas about how to create a share giving system. We love comments here, so please share yours. I've noticed that caregivers are often concerned about taking the time or spending the money to learn to manage caregiving. Because we care about our loved ones, we take the position that love will see us through how romantic, but how not true. Statistics are beginning to tell us that this idea is kind of a fairy tale when you are facing the real life demands of taking care of a loved 120, 473, 65 so if you're the full time caregiver, that means everything and everyone depends on you to make sure that the system works. Too often, everyone does not know what everything consists of. When I read various sources that caregivers may have to contend with as many as 20 different systems daily, everything from medical care to nutrition to exercise and physical therapy to sleep to entertainment and legal and financial management and beyond, I start to understand why it was so difficult when I was a caregiver, and why I was so exhausted. If each of those systems, the 20 of them, require five tasks daily from the caregiver, the list I've compiled shows there are 100 things to do every day, even before any emergencies crop up, and that means 100 things before you begin to take care of yourself. So it's no wonder that medical professionals are advising caregivers that they shouldn't try to do this work alone or around the clock. Only a few earlier studies found cause for concern for elders taking care of elders, but the research is more comprehensive now, and we know that younger caregivers can suffer deteriorating health conditions that affect their quality of life as well.

Many of us persist in denying this reality. We don't want to spend time or money helping ourselves when we're worried about someone else. When I started working with a caregiving coach myself, I thought I couldn't spare the time or the money for the help, but after one hour with an experienced mentor, I knew I couldn't afford to deny myself this guidance any longer, I could finally see that it was going to cost me more than time and money, maybe even my health, if I didn't invest in myself. The ancient philosopher, Rabbi Hillel asked the all important question, if I am not for myself, who will be for me? He wasn't advocating for selfishness, but he was implicitly recommending self care and the protection of your own needs, the assertion of them we need to protect ourselves and our well being as caregivers, or we're not going to survive. My challenging experiences convinced me to become a life coach and caregiver advocate, because I've learned that there's a better way to manage than to be managed by caregiving. Hint, doing more is not the answer. What about caregiving coaches? I won't say they live the dream. It's often a nightmare to be a caregiver, but we have lived the experience so we know how to respond to the reality of caregiving. I won't waste your time with ignorance about what you're going through. I won't tell you that time management exists so you can do more. Doing more is what will stress you. Most caregivers won't tell you that managing more so that you can delegate the doing to others. Is the method that I prefer. A caregiving coach can validate you to ease your fear about losing someone or not doing enough, and help you to examine your pride and devotion so that you can make realistic choices and live better while preserving your well being. The desirable outcome for caregiving is well being for both the caregiver and the loved one, for as long as this need exists, the way some people, my former self included, approach, caregiving is a sure road to burnout and illness.

We can stop that, and people often need help to do it, because I talked to a coach, I really had to step back and examine what I now call my Care-zilla impulse mode. I think you can imagine what that looked like. Care-zilla is a distant cousin of bride Zilla, and the stakes may be even greater for the Care-zilla. The more I with. Drew from the world as Care-zilla, angry and frustrated all the time. I was passive aggressive creature. The more angry and tired and frustrated I became, and I really didn't have a plan. I had frustration and loneliness. Having lived it, I recognized that Care-zilla and many other committed caregivers too. My coach helped me see the value of stepping back to manage the problem instead of just doing more to try to control it. Maybe I should call my counterpart Calm Cara as an antidote to the angry persona I first created. That's where I try to locate my service to people. One of my first clients, I'll call her Bonnie, came to me in full Care-zilla mode. She was angry. I don't understand my family. She said, I'm doing all the work and paying all my loved ones bills. Why won't anyone help me? She complained tearfully. I asked her, Why do you suppose what you asked for is not happening? Bonnie replied, I don't know why they won't help me. I asked them to make just a small contribution, $25 a month to cover expenses. Some of them laughed at me. Bonnie continued this way, and then they turn around and tell me not to spend any more of our parents' money. They don't care about mine. I don't know how to make this work without money. I just can't I could see Bonnie was a little too stressed to frame her and her parents needs in a way her siblings might be interested in helping her, and I often hear complaints about family members who won't step up to help. Bonnie's exhausted self was crying out for support.

Now, you know that old expression, it ain't what you say, it's how you say it in a situation that requires a financial response or a time commitment, I find that a general request works better to get people involved than a specific one. People seem to need some maneuvering room so they can say yes to something instead of no to everything. So I suggested a bigger picture approach to Bonnie, rather than micromanaging by telling people what to do. I thought it might help Bonnie to step back and ask for something less specific and threatening, as she had done when asking for a particular dollar contribution. At first, Bonnie doubted me, and she was very impatient. She thought my request was going to be vague and was going to waste her time, but she asked me for an example. I said, Well, let's think about a third way to get resources, community, state or county offices, for example, might offer some ways of paying for things, or they might offer services that you might not have thought of. Bonnie interrupted me, explaining, you don't have time to do this research. Exactly. I replied, I would ask each one of your siblings to do some research and get information for you about one service, so they could help you come to a better decision about how to pay for all of this or find other ways to get services so no one has to pay for them. Bonnie calmed down a little, but I think she still wasn't quite ready. You're right. She said, I know there's some help for our parents out there, but I don't have time to look for it. Maybe they would be willing to help me look. We made a plan to delegate research to her siblings, recognizing that everyone might not help, but she believed that some of her siblings would I suggested that she could leverage that into more help from them. Once they bought into the idea that she needed some help from outside sources, they might be happy to be asked instead of voluntold. Nobody likes that delegation and collaboration are two subjects I focus on when I write about caregiving, because caregivers can't do it alone. Getting cooperation is often the toughest part of managing caregiving, and people often get in their own way by trying to control how people give it instead of asking for general help and allowing people to decide the specifics of how they go about it. Letting go is a skill we need to learn to replace carezilla with calm Cara with some encouragement, Bonnie began to believe that I could help her save herself time and money with these share giving tips for delegation and collaboration. So we were on to a collaboration of our own.

There is so much you can do to protect your well being, and a caregiving coach can help you get there. How much is your well being worth to you? And these first four episodes, I. Shared some of my and other people's caregiving success stories. Is it time for you to get the life you want as a caregiver? You can find my books, the rational caregiver and the share giver and the crown on Amazon in print and ebook editions, and those could help you get started with a framework and strategies so you can create a better caregiving agreement for yourself, and the experience won't diminish your well being. What's that you don't have time for an agreement for caregiving? Here's why you need one. I emphasize that concept of an agreement because I know from experience that jumping in to be a lifesaver without considering the conditions. How deep is that ocean of tasks, for example, that's likely to drown you in waves of work. So you can't think about how you're going to swim without help for another day. Few families even think about making an agreement, and that is because love confuses us when we should be trying to manage but you don't have to let that happen to you, not in this job or any other for that matter. Even if you're not going to be paid, although you should be, you still have a right to set some ground rules for your working conditions and the system you're planning to implement, maybe even more so you can do all this homework on agreements by yourself. The information is out there, but it may take you twice as long, and I wonder if you'll take the time to learn on your own. Why wait? You can connect with me directly to schedule a call right on the contact form on my website, or for your convenience, go to the website, www, dot Deborah greenhut.com, or use the comment form right here in the show notes below. You know, if you delay, re envisioning your caregiving, it will probably end up costing you more than relieving the muck of stress where you are. Can you afford that? And if you're not going to do it now, then when will you ask for help when you're already drowning? Will you wait until help is too little too late? I hope not.

My lovely share giving guests in the future podcast episodes will be sharing solutions with us, so you'll have plenty of time to look forward to right here, and I hope you will put these to good use in concert with good coaching. We want to help you prevent burnout. We want to protect your well being. Let's make steps toward the unstressed life that you want, the unstressed life that you deserve. Thanks again for listening. This week, I'll look forward to sharing with you and a guest again next week, when I interview a very special person. Until then, share it forward. Have a great week.